I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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