So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm really busy with my period
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