don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
