I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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