I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
