I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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