the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
