his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
