does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
