I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
