In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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