I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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