I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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