Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
