is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
