At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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