considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
