Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
