Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
