My Higher Power is John Stamos
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
