i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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