I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
