i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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