I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
