we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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