im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
