I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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