he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
