How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
