im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
