Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
