whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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