Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
