i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
