I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
