I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
...so i touched it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
