it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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