If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
