My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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