Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
