I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
