Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
