Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
