What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
someone owes me an orgasm
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
