And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
