Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
