my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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