I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
