I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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