I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is Oprah even human
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
